Why I Get No Kick Out of Soccer

So, soccer is in the news with all of these FIFA allegations that make Bobby Lowder look like a saint. Lewis held soccer in a very low regard. 

It was a referee’s controversial call in a soccer match that started World War I

Twenty-one reasons why I hate soccer and wouldn’t pay attention to a World Cup match if it were going on in my backyard and the beer was free:

1) There are only three final scores in soccer. They are 0-0, 1-0 and in a real scoring orgy 1-1.

2) Being able to bounce a ball off one’s head isn’t that impressive to me. I ‘ve seen countless seals do the same thing on The Ed Sullivan Show.

3) Soccer breeds fan violence because it’s very dull and when the fans get bored they pass the time by trying to kill and maim.

4) Nobody ever throws a high, inside fast ball in soccer, baseball’s answer to killing and maiming.

5) A man named Phil Woosnam, then president of the North American Soccer League, one bragged to me, “In 20 years, soccer will be bigger than pro football in the United States.” That was 25 years ago.

6) Soccer is responsible for soccer-style kickers in American football. I agree with the late Norman Van Brocklin when asked about his reaction to the game after his Atlanta Falcons had been beaten on a last-minute field goal by some guy from Yugoslavia or Afghanistan. Van Brocklin said, “They ought to tighten the immigration laws in this country.”

7) It was a referee’s controversial call in a soccer match that started World War I. No, I can’t prove that, but I don’t have to.

8) Too many soccer teams wear dark socks with their shorts, a violation of every fashion law ever written.

9) The theme song for the British Broadcasting Corporation’s coverage of the World Cup is Luciana Pavarotti’s version of Nessum Dorman, from Puccini’s opera, Turnadot. The theme song of WGN’s coverage of the Chicago Cubs baseball is Harry Carey singing Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

10) If soccer were an American politician, it would be Alan Cranston (liberal senator from California).

11) If it were an American actress, it would be Florence Henderson.

12) Parents of kids who play soccer in American schools are overbearing and obnoxious. It’s because they are secretly upset their kids are too wormy to try out for football.

13) My alma mater, the University of Georgia, overcame all sorts of odds and won the College Baseball World Series. I realize that doesn’t have a thing to do with soccer, but I just thought I would mention it.

14) If Georgia has a soccer team, I am blissfully unaware of it.

15) Bo doesn’t know diddley about soccer.

16) I was in London once and watched the Super Bowl of British soccer match on television because there wasn’t anything else on. The two teams ran up and down the field for approximately three hours, but nobody could score. They decided to play another game two nights later. I watched that, too. I’d seen all the churches, museums and china shops I wanted to see by that time. They ran up and down the field again for an hour or two and then the ball hit a player in the head and went into the goal completely by accident, and the final score was 1-0. When the game was over two guys came on the screen and analyzed it for 45 minutes.

17) If soccer was a vegetable, it would be asparagus.

18) Hitler was probably a soccer fan.

19) Parents of American children who play soccer will react violently to No. 12 and write me a lot of nasty, threatening letters. Hey, it’s what they deserve for raising wimps.

20) If soccer were an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi.

21) How ’bout them Dawgs.

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