“If You Steal This Cooler…”

A convesation with a co-worker today about coolers reminded me about a funny story about my first tailgating cooler. 

I didn’t have a good cooler to use my freshman year, and I lived in Creswell, so I just put my stuff for the day in someone else’s cooler.  For Christmas, my girlfriend (and future wife) recognized my problem and got me a nice, red Coleman cooler.  It was the perfect size for a Fall Saturday.

My sophomore year, 2004, someone the week before the LSU game stole my cooler from our tailgate.  A dude who was tailgating next to us saw the rednecks come over and take it (why this jerk didn’t stop them, I don’t know).  So a friend who was much bolder and braver went over across the parking lot with me and started to give the thiefs the business.  He told me to find my cooler and take it back.  I walked up and took it, and as the rednecks started to bow up, my friend bowed up big and loud and they cowered back down.  I left campus with the same cooler I brough with me, and for a few minutes that did not seem like a vialbe option. 

So, I come home and realized that today, I had gotten lucky.  My cooler was never safe.  And I didn’t want some punk to make off with my cooler without having the opportunity for me to have the last word.  If someone stole my cooler, I wanted to insult them.  So I found a Sharpie and wrote as neatly as I could in all caps, black letters across the top of the cooler:

IF YOU STEAL THIS COOLER, YOUR MOTHER’S A WHORE.

Well, my cooler was never stolen.  It served me well for three seasons, and traveled all across the SEC with me. 

Corbindawg

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4 Responses to ““If You Steal This Cooler…””


  1. 1 Granite August 15, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    Oh the days when the God Father could be counted on each and every Saturday. In the future check your calendar before having your cooler stolen, it may fall on the Goat-O-Rama weekend.

  2. 2 Cojones August 15, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    I can already see some person coming over, reading the sign and mumbling, “Now how in hell did he know that?” and proceed to walk off with your beautiful red cooler. Don’t worry, someone’s out there…jus’ waitin’….

    You could remember the Yankee who came down South to show farmers how to grow watermelons and make a profit. He had noticed in south Georgia how the farmers sat around the country store and socialized in the evening after dark. Others would come by and remark that they saw ripe watermelons and wondered if they could pluck one. Each of the farmers jovially complied because they were related to the person or their families knew each other well.
    The Yankee said, “You fellows follow me and I’ll show you how to get the most for your watermelon crop”. He began to tell them how he had studied Economics in college and what they were doing wrong while all of them were walking up the road to the Yankee’s patch. He noted to them , that in their culture of close relations and knowing many people, they were giving away their profits, but he was going to show them a patch of watermelons ready for the market. Sure enough, they came upon this beautiful field of untouched melons. Gloatingly, he told them of his sign they were coming to and how it warned “Everone should be warned that one of these melons contains strychnine, a poison “.

    As they got to the sign,one of the old farmers exclaimed,”Uh,oh”. Someone had marked through “one” and printed “two”.

    Even a country farmer could slicker you out of your cooler if they wanted to. The reason your cooler is still in your truck is because only the other jerks were thieves and were probably from another school or not in school at all. Other tailgaters were attentive enough to point out who stole it. Since you were dependent on your puffed-up buddy to retreive it, the question is,”Would you have have stopped those guys if you saw them steal your neighbor’s cooler?”

    • 3 Corbindawg August 15, 2011 at 6:38 pm

      I would have stopped the rednecks if I saw them stealing my tailgate neighbors cooler.

    • 4 Granite August 16, 2011 at 8:08 am

      We had multiple coolers stolen that year and most recently I had mine stolen two years ago after the Auburn game. If you leave something within plain sight it will grow legs and walk off. It’s not the thieves from another school, it’s white trash Georgia fans.


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