Lewis Grizzard Wednesday: Car Dealer Commercials

If you listen to the radio or watch TV, you likely have seen or read many over-the-top car dealer commercials. Lewis was no fan of such commercials.

It should be against the law for automobile dealers to do their own television or radio commercials. If they do, then the penalty should be somebody sticks a hot exhaust pipe . . . well, they should be severely punished.
This isn’t some half-baked idea I just thought up. This idea is fully baked and it comes from years of listening to car dealers doing their own television and radio commercials.

What is it with these people? Do they think we’re deaf?

“NOBODY WILL MAKE YOU A DEAL LIKE CUZZIN TOM AT CUZZIN TOM’S CHIVEY, LOCATED JUST FOUR MILES PAST CUZZIN TOM’S LOAN COMPANY ON CUZZIN TOM BLVD!”

Cuzzin Tom will pick you cleaner than buzzards on a dead possum in the highway, and he will spend every decibel in his power to lure you into his trap.

I don’t begrudge a guy trying to move a car or two, but why must these money-changers go on radio and television and make absolute fools of themselves? Patriots and kinfolk

There are several ways car dealers make fools of themselves on radio and television.

There is the patriot: “We sell only American cars, ‘cuz we believe in Americah. If you don’t buy a car from us, then you must be some kind of commanist.”

Then there is the I-Am-Just-One-Of-The-Family routine: “We luv you, and we luv yo’ chillun and we luv all chillun and we luv evahbody’s chillun, and if you buy a car from somebody else, it must mean you one of them chile-abusahs. We offer easy financin’ right on our lot.”

There are the car dealers who recently underwent frontal lobotomies: “We’ve gone crazy at Crazy Al’s! We’ll sell you any car or truck on our lot at crazy prices! We’ll give you a car or truck! We will pay you to take one! Take our cars! Take our trucks! We don’t care! We’ve gone crazy!” He wouldn’t slick you

The all-time car dealer who does his own commercials, I firmly believe, is right here in the Atlanta area. His name is Charles Hardy, and he operates out of Dallas.

I’m not sure how many car dealerships Charles Hardy must own, but if it’s got wheels, Charles Hardy sells it.

Charles Hardy says, “We luv you and we need you.”

Charles Hardy says, ” . . . And for goodness sakes, let’s take care of those precious chilluns.”

Charles Hardy loves America. Charles Hardy is a family man. Charles Hardy is a country boy who wouldn’t slick you.

If you buy a car from Charles Hardy, he will be so appreciative, he’ll probably come over to your house once a month to wax it.

And one more thing. I have every right to say these things, because I come from a long line of used car dealers.

Charles Hardy may be all that and he may do all that, but his commercials are driving me crazier than Crazy Al.

There is only one way to stop these people and that is to make it unlawful for them to clutter the airways with their nauseous hard sell.

And if they disobey, I’ll tell you where to stick that hot exhaust pipe.

Right up their Isuzus.

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