Lewis Grizzard Wednesday:2-24-10

In light of the Storm-Kornheiser Controversy, here is Lewis’ take on women’s clothing.

Women Wearing Ties
  I saw a woman on an airplane the other day who was wearing a tie. I don’t think I had ever seen a woman wearing a tie before. 

I thought only men wore ties to make up for the fact we don’t have to get pregnant. 

The woman in the tie looked like one of those big-time businesswomen who owns her own condo, a BMW and a fluffy cat. 

“Excuse me,” I said to the woman, “I was just wondering why you are wearing a tie.” 

“Why not?” the woman asked me back. 

“Well,” I said, “I thought only men wore ties.” 

“You obviously are one of those Neanderthal redneck men who think women have no place in your world,” the woman, obviously irritated by my comments, said. 

“Not at all, madam,” I interrupted. “I certainly believe if a woman can do the same job as a man she deserves the opportunity to do so and she should get the same pay as a man. 

“The only thing I’m against women doing is voting and driving,” I went on, in jest, of course. 

I forgot, however, that the feminist movement is totally devoid of a sense of humor. I should have known the woman wouldn’t take my little barb in the frivolous spirit with which it was intended. 

Her eyes bugged out, her face turned red and the veins in her neck popped out in anger. She called me several unprintable names, a couple of which I had never heard before, leading me to believe women not only have equaled men in the ability to curse, but may have exceeded us. 

I thought the woman was going to have a stroke, so I suggested she loosen her tie. She did, and in a few minutes, seemed as calm as possible under the circumstances. 

Upon some quiet reflection regarding this incident, I came to the conclusion that women certainly have a right to wear a tie anywhere or anytime. 

In fact, I think it is only fair that all women be made to wear ties and allow men to stop the silly practice. 

I quit wearing ties everywhere except to funerals of close friends several years ago when I decided I had had enough of being uncomfortable. 

But I’m lucky. I don’t have a real job like most men, so I can get away with not wearing a tie. 

Ties are detrimental to men’s health. Men who have to wear ties all the time tend to be terribly highstrung and nervous because they’ve got this piece of cloth strung tightly around their necks. It’s ties, not cholesterol, that cause most heart attacks and strokes. 

Also, besides being terribly uncomfortable and unhealthy, it is a known fact that wearing a tie eventually leads to baldness. The tie hinders the circulation to the scalp and that’s why men’s hair falls out. 

You don’t see that many bald-headed women, do you? Of course not. That’s because they don’t wear ties. 

But it’s high time they did. And it’s high time men were relieved of this burden. 

Imagine if the tie tables were turned and it was women who had to wear ties to get into a fancy restaurant. You walk in with your lady and she has forgotten her tie. 

“You may enter, sir,” the maitre d’ would say, “but baldy there needs a tie.” 

What a simply delicious fantasy.


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