Lewis Grizzard Wednesday: From The Bag Of Treks

Storing My Bags Of Treks

I’m finally home after a month on the road pushing a book. Some notes and observations on some places I went and some people I met:

- San Francisco: I asked a woman here what it’s like to be single in a city with a huge population of gay males.

“It’s terrible,” she answered. “The best men you meet are married, which leaves gays and unmarried straights. Obviously gays are out and the straight guys are so arrogant they think they’re God’s gift to women.”

After a moment of thought, the woman added, “In San Francisco, I guess they are.”

- Dallas: After several weeks of eating airplane food I was ready for some home cooking. I found it in a Dallas restaurant called The Mecca. I had country fried steak, fresh vegetables and homemade coconut pie. I asked the cook to marry me. Baton Rouge not too busy

Baton Rouge: A cab driver picked me up at my hotel. I said I wanted to be dropped off at a restaurant and then be picked up again an hour later and taken to the airport.

The driver said, “I’ll just wait for you in the parking lot of the restaurant.”

“Won’t that be expensive?” I asked.

“I won’t run the meter,” the driver replied. “When you drive a cab in Baton Rouge, you get used to waiting and not making any money.”

- Charlotte: This basketball-crazy town is trying to lure a professional team to the city. That news reminded me of the best line I ever heard about the National Basketball Association season, which runs from October until June.

Said Atlanta Constitution sports editor Jesse Outlar, “If the NBA had been in charge of World War II, Germany and Japan would still be in the running.”

- Fort Worth: I met a man here who is planning to get married for the first time at age 44.

“I thought about doing something funny at the wedding like dressing up like the Japanese did when they surrendered to McArthur on the Missouri.

“A friend of mine reminded me of something, though. He said there are three things that do not have senses of humor, and they are brides, bureaucrats and old dogs.” Colorado cows are fierce

Nashville: I was watching the news on television here, and there was a story about airline pilots using cocaine. When the news was over, I went to the bar at the hotel and had several drinks before leaving for the airport.

- Los Angeles: I saw the new hit movie, “The Color of Money,” starring Paul Newman and Tom Cruise. It’s a sequel to Newman’s marvelous “The Hustler.” “Money” pales in comparison to “The Hustler.” In pool parlance, it scratches.

- Denver: This was in the papers. A Boulder, Colo., man has filed suit charging he was attacked by one of the defendant’s cows.

The suit says the cow is “vicious and has a dangerous propensity to charge and attack” and that it came at the plaintiff without provocation and rendered him unconscious.

It’s nice to be back home in Georgia, although I must remind myself it was a South Georgia attack bunny rabbit that once went after the president of the United States.

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