Lewis Grizzard Wednesday: McDonald’s

McDonald’s, Are You Listening?

For some years, I have wanted to discuss some harsh feelings that I have concerning McDonald’s, but I was always afraid nobody would agree with me. These people have sold zillions of hamburgers, so they must be doing something right.

But along comes nutritional expert/relief pitcher Goose Gossage, who works for the San Diego Padres baseball team, which is owned by the widow of Ray Kroc, the genius behind McDonald’s.

Gossage recently fell at odds with the Padres’ ownership and said not only did his bosses know absolutely nothing about baseball, but they – McDonald’s – also were “poisoning the world with their hamburgers.”

I don’t think McDonald’s is out to poison anybody. You might get a little heartburn every now and then from a greasy Quarter Pounder, but you can get that in any fast food joint. Several points to ponder

There are, however, several things that bug me about McDonald’s, and now that the Goose has had his say, I feel a bit more relaxed about discussing them. Consider these points:

Ever notice how every kid who works in McDonald’s looks the same? They wear those silly looking uniforms and those silly looking hats and they have those knowing smiles and you’ve got to figure they’re all going to grow up to be either chiropractors, automobile dealers or lawyers. Just what we need. More chiropractors, more automobile dealers and more lawyers.

McDonald’s foods all look like they were spit out of a computer somewhere.

I tried the new McDonald’s Garden Salad the other day. It came in a little plastic box with a little plastic top and there was a little plastic fork to use to eat the salad.

Then, there were little packages of bacon bits and croutons and the salad dressing came in what resembled a tube of toothpaste.

I felt like I was eating food I had ordered by mail.

Not only do McDonald’s personnel wear silly uniforms and hats, but Ronald McDonald is a disgrace to the clowning industry. He couldn’t hold Clarabell’s Seltzer bottle.

The thing I dislike most about McDonald’s is the suggestive selling technique of all those future chiropractors, automobile dealers and lawyers. Cup of coffee not enough

Ever go through the drive-in line at a McDonald’s and tell that faceless machine you want a cup of coffee?

The machine will inevitably respond by asking, “How would you like a Danish to go with your coffee?”

If I had wanted a Danish, I would have asked for a Danish.

McDonald’s will also try to push their french fries off on you.

“I’ll have the Quarter Pounder with cheese and a medium Coke.”

“How ’bout some fries with that?”

“How ’bout sticking an Egg McMuffin up. . .” Well, you see how pushy these little brats can be.

Despite all these complaints, however, I will still go into a McDonald’s occasionally just like everybody else. McDonald’s is efficient. McDonald’s is fast. McDonald’s is ingenious in developing new food products.

There were the Chicken McNuggets. Look for the Cooked McGoose any day.

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